2010 January « Therapeutic Mama

Spontaneous Mama

January 8, 2010
2 Comments

We have schedules, deadlines, work, school and home responsibilities, and we need to get things done “yesterday”. But how many times have you heard a veteran parent say “enjoy this time with your kids, because the time goes so fast!”. Time does continue quickly on, and there are responsibilities we must continue to do in order to have provisions and live comfortably.

These activities become routine to us. Our brain gets used to routine easily, so much so, that who among us can say they have never done something on “auto pilot”? I am guilty of driving the kids to school and half way realizing, “How did I get here?”. Believe it or not, this is at times a healthy function. It allows our attentions to go to other things while we are doing something we are experts at. Parents need this function. It lets you change a diaper while calling your husband to let him know what to get at the supermarket before he comes home. It helps you drive to work while stopping your kids from killing each other in the back seat.

Routine, however, can put our lives into a rut that we feel we can’t get out of. Most of us don’t get our kicks from following our schedule for the entire week without any changes. Without some small differences or surprises in our day, we just survive.

My challenge to you, therefore is to step out of this routine. How? By being spontaneous. The best thing is, you don’t need to be rich to do this. All you need is to look at what is around you and make a change you wouldn’t normally do.

We usually think of someone who is spontaneous as a person who buys tickets for a cruise without notice and surprises their lover the night before the trip. Yes, this is spontaneous, but also impulsive and impractical for most of us. Others link spontaneity with irresponsibility. It makes them feel like doing something without planning is something bad.

The word “spontaneous” is defined by www.dictionary.com as:

“–adjective

1.	coming or resulting from a natural impulse or tendency; without effort or premeditation; natural and unconstrained; unplanned: a spontaneous burst of applause.

2.	(of a person) given to acting upon sudden impulses.

3.	(of natural phenomena) arising from internal forces or causes; independent of external agencies; self-acting.

4.	growing naturally or without cultivation, as plants and fruits; indigenous.

5.	produced by natural process.”

I really like two things about this definition. The first is that emphasis is on the fact that being spontaneous is natural, without effort, not premeditated and organic. It is something that is more than easy to do–its effortless! The second thing is that it explains that it is a term that describes how plants grow “naturally or without cultivation”. This is how a plant grows without anyone interrupting its normal process. What a freeing image! To be spontaneous is to do something that comes naturally to us, when we don’t have anyone cutting us down or stopping us from doing it.

Children are experts at spontaneity. How many times have we heard our children be way too quiet and we know they are up to something. When we go to their rooms we find them completely naked, completely covered in clothes, completely covered in paint, or completely –fill in your own crazy experience here–? And when you look at them, they are so completely happy! They don’t even realize that they have irked us with their insolent challenge to our structure for the day. These are the moments we let go by too quickly, and then we look back and say, “my, how those days went by…”. If you slow down and enjoy the moment , even join in on the moment, we will make a magical moment in time where we forget the routine and show love to our children, and create a special memory.

Let’s learn from our children and do small things to change-up the day. This is stimulating for you and for your children. Here are a few spontaneous things you can do that I believe will make your day different and be a breath of fresh air and slow you down so that you can enjoy life and actually live instead of just surviving:

eat dinner on the living room floor.
if you have a slow day coming at work, play hookie with your kids.
play the radio tonight and dance with your kids instead of watching TV
grab some arts and craft supplies and let your kids make a mess on the kitchen table. Hang the resulting artwork up.
call your spouse and talk dirty to them while they are at work.
or, text them the same naughty thoughts.
don’t tell your family you are going to stay home and prepare them a special meal.
put pillows and blankets in the living room and have a sleepover with your family in the middle of the week.
have a movie night at home with your kids.
get a babysitter to watch the kids for 2 or 3 hours and do absolutely nothing either alone or with your spouse.
rearrange your furniture at home.
if you have some extra money, buy an outfit you wouldn’t normally buy.
do your work responsibilities in a different order than you usually do.
take a different route to work or school.
read something you don’t usually read.
go to a restaurant you have never tried. Order something you never ordered.

What are some of your most fun and spontaneous things you have done to change-up your day?

Posted in Uncategorized
Tags: change, children, different, fun, kids, parents, routine, spontaneous, sponteneity, toddlers

When the Baby is the Mama

January 5, 2010
2 Comments

We are born, we are babies, we are children, then we are teens, and then adults. Some of us become mama’s and dada’s. Our bodies change and it is the way we know that we are older, and ultimately become adults. Our emotions undergo a similar process. Ideally, we are born into a home were we are wanted, nurtured and cared for; we grow in a home where parents model what healthy adults are supposed to be. They should give us comfort for our fears, provisions for our needs, love, safety, and all else that provides a safe base for attachment. When we become teens, they should help us become independent individuals; young people who know what is right and wrong, and understand consequences to our choices. Our parents should then release us into the “real world” totally fulfilled and ready to face the daunting world with strong self-esteem and ready to love each other like we love ourselves.

In the ideal world I described above, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny romp freely with unicorns and butterflies on a chocolate mountain. The hard truth is, many of us did not get all of this, if any of it, from our parents. Some of us were born into homes we weren’t wanted in. Others found that their parents did not stick around long enough to get to know us, let alone make us feel safe or loved. Other parents may have been physically there, but emotionally totally absent, or perhaps demanded adult things from their children. As we grew, many of us had to figure things out on our own, without anyone to bounce our ideas off, or to test the limits in a safe environment. As a result, our emotional growth is stunted. We then have adult bodies and do adult things like become a mama, but in fact are emotionally a baby. Our mama’s and dada’s many times are babies themselves, which is why we end up in the predicaments we do.

So what do we do when the baby is the mama? And what happens when we are the baby who is the mama?

Unfortunately, unless you are building a time machine, there is nothing you can do to change who your parents are. They are a result of their parents and their own choices, two things you have nothing to do with. And your time machine would have to go back to Adam and Eve, because dysfunction began in Eden. So you’d have a lot of work to do!

What you can do is raise your “baby” the right way. The baby who is in your adult body. The baby that yearns for things not given, and moments not found. This is not an easy thing to do, and it is arguably a lifelong process. It takes an inner strength to look at the baby inside, see it crying out for things like love, acceptance, belonging, safety, happiness, closeness, and look for ways to give these to yourself.

I am, of course, oversimplifying things. The damage caused by abuse, neglect, and harm towards infants and children can destroy lives and cause unimaginable pain. But if for just a moment, we could look inside ourselves and see that baby, and give it compassion, give it something we were not given, or even just imagine how it might feel to be able to give that to ourselves, we are taking a step in the right direction. When we learn how to nurture ourselves, we will be on the path to becoming the best parents we can be. If we grow up, our kids will be raised by the “adult us”, and they can more freely move into adulthood physically and emotionally.

Where does our work begin with the emotional baby? Each person’s journey is different. Perhaps you may start by having an imaginary conversation with this baby inside of you. Can you envision yourself as a baby, a toddler, a child? Can you imagine yourself asking the child what he or she needs? What did they not get? Can you think of ways to provide these things for yourself now? If you were never told you were loved, can you begin to say “I am loveable” to yourself?

If you feel like there is too much to do, you are right. No one can satisfy all their needs at once. But you can do it in many ways. You can look to God to give you those things no one can fill in your spirit. You can look to family and friends to give support and love at times. You can do enjoyable things and give yourself permission to do them.

If this has stirred up some emotions in you, you may want to consider consulting with a professional who can help you walk slowly through your past, and help you improve your present. A therapist can give you a safe space to explore and share the feelings that “baby” has, and help you reach your emotional adulthood. Counseling benefits you, as well as your family. If you grow, you can help your own family to grow.

Therapy will at least give you something to do until you finish building that time machine.

Posted in Life
Tags: abuse, adult, attachment, child, Counseling, infant, Inner Child, love, neglect, parenting, safety, teen, Therapist, Therapy, toddler

Love 30 Seconds At A Time

January 2, 2010
5 Comments

Mothers and fathers have an underestimated importance in the life of their children. Our society has marginalized how much our children need parents love. In lieu of love and time, companies have fed us the lie that providing things and activities for our children will substitute the absence of love.

If you look around a home where young children live, you will more than likely find a television, possibly DVD’s or DVR recorded cartoons or children’s shows, plenty of toys and clothing, or your kids various uniforms (dance, karate, etc.). You may find a mama or dada who is working on their schedule to figure out how to fit their own life activities with the mama or dada and baby musical genius class, or when they can sit in front of the “hurry up kid and read already” DVD to prep their 18 month old for college.

There is nothing wrong with stimulation of this type. Studies have shown that some children whose parents involve them in activities do excel in other areas of life. The harm lies when taking our children to do these things or when sitting with our kids in front of the television becomes a substitute for love and attention. I believe these studies are actually showing the result of parents spending the time with their kids, regardless of the activity.

Have you played with your child today? I don’t mean did you bring out a toy and place it in front of your kid. I’m not being judgmental, trust me, I am a mother of 2 small children, and have done all of this too many times to count! I’m asking you to take at least 30 seconds and shake free your adult skin and lay down on the floor and join their game. Follow your child’s lead, and enjoy. Toy companies want you to believe your child will need nothing but their toy to be stimulated and happy. This is an injustice to your child, who learns so very much through play.

When was the last time you grabbed your child in your arms, looked them in the eyes and said something like “I love you” or “you are wonderful” or “I would love a kiss” or even shared a tickle or two? These 30 second moments provide your child physical touch from you, attention, builds self-esteem and reinforces your love. I find doing this helpful after we have had a meltdown. Once they have calmed down, I take at least 30 seconds to just let them know that I love them, that things haven’t changed between us (even though secretly I may have wanted to bring them back to the stork after the tantrum they threw).

How about having a conversation with your toddler? Ask them about their day. They may not be able to tell you what they did, but they will respond to your interaction with them. When your child looks in your eyes and sees interest on your face it shows them love.

Laugh with them. Make eye contact with them when they are telling you something silly, or when they ask you the same question for the millionth time. Hug them.

You don’t have to spend hundreds of dollars on “make your dumb kid smart” products to show that you love your child. They make their money of our parental guilt. I promise you, they won’t look back when they are grown and say “I will never forget those Genius Baby musical instrument cognitive exercises mama and dada did with us. Good times…” They will say “There was something so comforting about the way dada would take us on his lap, and look in our eyes, rub our back and say ‘I love you, baby girl”, or “When mama used to come in the room and start roaring like a dinosaur when she saw me playing with the toy dinosaurs I had, I would laugh so hard. I felt loved”.

You don’t have to block out 3 hours to show your child you love them. Try doing it 30 seconds at a time. You will be surprised how many 30 second slots you can find throughout the day or during the time you spend with your child. Here are a few open time slots just to give you some ideas:

When you strap in or remove your child into their car seat
When they are sitting motionless in front of the TV watching Spongebob
When they are in their room playing
Before you serve dinner
When you walk in the door from work
When you put them to bed
When they ask you for a snack or drink
After a tantrum
While they are doing their homework
When they are coloring
When you catch them jumping on your bed
When you are sitting on the couch with them
During the break at the Super baby genius convention

Please make your own. There are so many more! If you feel that something is keeping you from doing this with your children, your own feelings, problems, or anything else that keeps you from showing your child love and affection, you may benefit from therapy to help you work through these issues, and make your experience as a parent more fruitful for you and your children.

We aren’t perfect. We have limited time. We work. We have bills. We are stressed. This does not have to be the last word on the matter.

We are parents, we can love, we can do it in a short time, we can do it throughout the day 30 seconds at a time.

Posted in Life
Tags: activities, attachment, attention, children, contact, Dad, eye contact, infants, kids, love, Mom, parenting, physical, tantrum, therapeutic, Therapy, toddlers, TV

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Spontaneous Mama

When the Baby is the Mama

Love 30 Seconds At A Time

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