Therapeutic Mama

When the Baby is the Mama | January 5, 2010

We are born, we are babies, we are children, then we are teens, and then adults.  Some of us become mama’s and dada’s.  Our bodies change and it is the way we know that we are older, and ultimately become adults.  Our emotions undergo a similar process.  Ideally, we are born into a home were we are wanted, nurtured and cared for; we grow in a home where parents model what healthy adults are supposed to be.  They should give us comfort for our fears, provisions for our needs, love, safety, and all else that provides a safe base for attachment.  When we become teens, they should help us become independent individuals; young people who know what is right and wrong, and understand consequences to our choices.  Our parents should then release us into the “real world” totally fulfilled and ready to face the daunting world with strong self-esteem and ready to love each other like we love ourselves.

In the ideal world I described above, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny romp freely with unicorns and butterflies on a chocolate mountain.  The hard truth is, many of us did not get all of this, if any of it, from our parents.  Some of us were born into homes we weren’t wanted in.  Others found that their parents did not stick around long enough to get to know us, let alone make us feel safe or loved.  Other parents may have been physically there, but emotionally totally absent, or perhaps demanded adult things from their children.  As we grew, many of us had to figure things out on our own, without anyone to bounce our ideas off, or to test the limits in a safe environment.  As a result, our emotional growth is stunted.  We then have adult bodies and do adult things like become a mama, but in fact are emotionally a baby.  Our mama’s and dada’s many times are babies themselves, which is why we end up in the predicaments we do.

So what do we do when the baby is the mama?  And what happens when we are the baby who is the mama?

Unfortunately, unless you are building a time machine, there is nothing you can do to change who your parents are.  They are a result of their parents and their own choices, two things you have nothing to do with.  And your time machine would have to go back to Adam and Eve, because dysfunction began in Eden.  So you’d have a lot of work to do!

What you can do is raise your “baby” the right way.  The baby who is in your adult body.  The baby that yearns for things not given, and moments not found.  This is not an easy thing to do, and it is arguably a lifelong process.  It takes an inner strength to look at the baby inside, see it crying out for things like love, acceptance, belonging, safety, happiness, closeness, and look for ways to give these to yourself.

I am, of course, oversimplifying things.  The damage caused by abuse, neglect, and harm towards infants and children can destroy lives and cause unimaginable pain.  But if for just a moment, we could look inside ourselves and see that baby, and give it compassion, give it something we were not given, or even just imagine how it might feel to be able to give that to ourselves, we are taking a step in the right direction.  When we learn how to nurture ourselves, we will be on the path to becoming the best parents we can be.  If we grow up, our kids will be raised by the “adult us”, and they can more freely move into adulthood physically and emotionally.

Where does our work begin with the emotional baby?  Each person’s journey is different.  Perhaps you may start by having an imaginary conversation with this baby inside of you.  Can you envision yourself as a baby, a toddler, a child?  Can you imagine yourself asking the child what he or she needs?  What did they not get?  Can you think of ways to provide these things for yourself now?  If you were never told you were loved, can you begin to say “I am loveable” to yourself?

If you feel like there is too much to do, you are right.  No one can satisfy all their needs at once.  But you can do it in many ways.  You can look to God to give you those things no one can fill in your spirit.  You can look to family and friends to give support and love at times.  You can do enjoyable things and give yourself permission to do them.

If this has stirred up some emotions in you, you may want to consider consulting with a professional who can help you walk slowly through your past, and help you improve your present.  A therapist can give you a safe space to explore and share the feelings that “baby” has, and help you reach your emotional adulthood.  Counseling benefits you, as well as your family.  If you grow, you can help your own family to grow.

Therapy will at least give you something to do until you finish building that time machine.