Are you single or have a loved one who just isn’t the romantic type?

It is frustrating  to desire something like romance because society has told us it is something our lovers have to give us.   One of the definitions of “romance” as defined by Webster’s is “a romantic attachment or episode between lovers”.  The word “romantic” as defined by Webster’s is “1.  Imaginary 2. Visionary 3.  having an imaginative or emotional appeal 4.  of, relating to or having the characteristics of romanticism”.

Romance is all the definitions stated above.  Romance allows us to use our imagination and creativity in order to show love, appreciation or admiration.  What happens, however, when we perceive that romance does not enter our lives?  Should we give up or  hope that one day our Prince Charming or the woman of our dreams will come in and whisk us away in a whirlwind of rose petals and wine?

What about you who are already in a relationship?  Should you lay back in your bed and dream about when your loved one might decide to do that “special something” you’ve wanted them to come up with and do all this time?

I’d like to suggest something outside the box.  Something you may find silly, or perhaps you may think is not going to work.  Have you ever romanced yourself?

Sure, society tells us that romance has to come from someone else in the form of flowers, chocolate or a diamond on the 14th of February.  I believe this is false.  It is a belief that in the end sets us up for disappointment, feelings of being unworthy, feelings of sadness and of anger.

You deserve appreciation for all the things you do, and all the things you are.  Who knows all the things you work so hard for better than yourself?  Who knows the “you” yourself and others have come to know and love better than the person standing in front of you in the mirror?

As a parent, you do countless things that are selfless and caring for your kids.  As women, we nurture and give to the people around us.  Men, you protect and care for those around you.  And some men and women (MOST men and women) actually do both!  At work, you give your best for the success of your work place.  You know your own best traits.  You know if you are fun-loving, kind, giving, fruitful, intelligent, sexy, hard-working, generous, handsome, funny, simple, extravagant, have a good heart, whatever you know to be true about yourself.  It deserves  recognition!  And who better to recognize it the way it should be recognized than by yourself!  You know what you enjoy and makes you feel good.

My challenge today, if you choose to accept it, is to romance yourself.  Every week, decide that you will recognize something in your own life by doing something romantic.  Remember that the key to romance is not the amount of money you have, it’s the amount of imagination you use.

Here are a few examples of things you can do to get you started:

–Had a long week at work?  Get a little plastic bin, fill it up with some warm water, some soap that you enjoy (for the more fancy type if you have it, bath salts, perfumed bath oils, etc.) and treat yourself to a foot soak.  If you have more time and have a bath, feel free to make this a full body experience.

–Send yourself a love letter in the mail.  Write yourself a poem, or a quick note about something positive in yourself.  When it arrives, don’t open it until you can read it to yourself out loud in the mirror.

–Get a post-it or other sticky pad and whenever you get frustrated or upset during the day, write yourself a note telling yourself how wonderful you are, or some other affirming statement to yourself.  When you get home, stick them on your bathroom mirror.  The next morning, read them to yourself to start of the day on a positive note.

–Send yourself flowers or chocolates or a fruit basket or sexy lingerie or anything you would enjoy.  Make sure you write a note to yourself.

–Take yourself on a romantic dinner.  Make reservations, get dressed in your sexiest dress or most handsome suit and enjoy your own company.

–Call the local radio station and dedicate a song to yourself.  Or, post yourself a video on facebook or other public site, and dedicate it to yourself, explaining why.

–Treat yourself to a massage, manicure, pedicure or other self-pampering services.

–Buy some sexy underwear or nighttime wear (pj’s, lingerie, etc.) not for any other person’s benefit but for your own.

–Make a candlelight dinner for one and serve yourself your favorite meal.

Try doing any of these or better yet, making one of your own up once a week for the next 4 weeks.  As you try them, come back here and post your progress.  What did you try?  What felt good?  Were any feelings stirred up in general?  Your posts might encourage someone to try it, or give them an idea of something to do.  I love your feedback, it is very romantic of you!

The message I want you to have is that it is empowering to take back the right to romance ourselves and not depend on others to appreciate us.  It is strengthening to know that you can use your own creativity to give something special and meaningful to yourself.  It is a God-given gift, perhaps one of the most special, to be able to imagine and create.  Try this, and let me know how you feel afterwards.

I have to admit, I have not been therapeutic here on this blog in a while–6 months to be exact.  I continue, as always, being a mama, and that caused me to lose focus on some of the other things I had going on in my life.  But, life is the best teacher, and because of some much-needed motivation and the desire to continue the work I began, I am back.  I am refocused, and ready to write about the thing that I love the most.  I want to share my passion for families, and parenting, and bringing up our children in safe and loving environments, where not only do parents meet physical needs, but also care for their emotional wellbeing.

I’d like to remind you of who I am and what I do, so you can get to know me better.  I also want to tell you that I have some exciting ideas and things in store for you, the reader and I can’t wait to get started such as contests, interviews with experts, “Ask Your Therapeutic Mama” segments, stories, tips for your own family and much more.  I hope that we can learn and grow together; this is as much a personal work as it is a service for you.

Also, go back and read some of my other entries if you haven’t done so, and give me your feedback.  I love to hear from you and it helps me and others know we aren’t alone in our experiences.

My name is Denise Varela, LMHC, NCC, and I am a licensed mental health counselor and national certified counselor who graduated from Alliance Graduate School of Counseling, a division of Alliance Theological Seminary/Nyack College.  I’m currently working on my PhD in Clinical Psychology at Santa Barbara Graduate Institute, and I am specializing in Pre and Perinatal Psychology.  I am a member of the New York Mental Health Counselors Association.  I currently practices in Queens, NY and I see clients from the surrounding areas. I am fluent in English and Spanish.

These activities become routine to us.  Our brain gets used to routine easily, so much so, that who among us can say they have never done something on “auto pilot”?  I am guilty of driving the kids to school and half way realizing, “How did I get here?”.  Believe it or not, this is at times a healthy function.  It allows our attentions to go to other things while we are doing something we are experts at.  Parents need this function.  It lets you change a diaper while calling your husband to let him know what to get at the supermarket before he comes home.  It helps you drive to work while stopping your kids from killing each other in the back seat.

Routine, however, can put our lives into a rut that  we feel we can’t get out of.  Most of us don’t get our kicks from following our schedule for the entire week without any changes.  Without some small differences or surprises in our day, we just survive.

My challenge to you, therefore is to step out of this routine.  How?  By being spontaneous.   The best thing is, you don’t need to be rich to do this.  All you need is to look at what is around you and make a change you wouldn’t normally do.

We usually think of someone who is spontaneous as a person who buys tickets for a cruise without notice and surprises their lover the night before the trip.  Yes, this is spontaneous, but also impulsive and impractical for most of us.  Others link spontaneity with irresponsibility.  It makes them feel like doing something without planning is something bad.

The word “spontaneous” is defined by www.dictionary.com as:

“–adjective

I really like two things about this definition.  The first is that emphasis is on the fact that being spontaneous is natural, without effort, not premeditated and organic.  It is something that is more than easy to do–its effortless! The second thing is that it explains that it is a term that describes how plants grow “naturally or without cultivation”.  This is how a plant grows without anyone interrupting its normal process.  What a freeing image!  To be spontaneous is to do something that comes naturally to us, when we don’t have anyone cutting us down or stopping us from doing it.

Children are experts at spontaneity.  How many times have we heard our children be way too quiet and we know they are up to something.  When we go to their rooms we find them completely naked, completely covered in clothes, completely covered in paint, or completely –fill in your own crazy experience here–?  And when you look at them, they are so completely happy!  They don’t even realize that they have irked us with their insolent challenge to our structure for the day. These are the moments we let go by too quickly, and then we look back and say, “my, how those days went by…”.  If you slow down and enjoy the moment , even join in on the moment, we will make a magical moment in time where we forget the routine and show love to our children, and create a special memory.

Let’s learn from our children and do small things to change-up the day.  This is stimulating for you and for your children.  Here are a few spontaneous things you can do that I believe will make your day different and be a breath of fresh air and slow you down so that you can enjoy life and actually live instead of just surviving:

• eat dinner on the living room floor.
• if you have a slow day coming at work, play hookie with your kids.
• play the radio tonight and dance with your kids instead of watching TV
• grab some arts and craft supplies and let your kids make a mess on the kitchen table.  Hang the resulting artwork up.
• call your spouse and talk dirty to them while they are at work.
• or, text them the same naughty thoughts.
• don’t tell your family you are going to stay home and prepare them a special meal.
• put pillows and blankets in the living room and have a sleepover with your family in the middle of the week.
• have a movie night at home with your kids.
• get a babysitter to watch the kids for 2 or 3 hours and do absolutely nothing either alone or with your spouse.
• rearrange your furniture at home.
• if you have some extra money, buy an outfit you wouldn’t normally buy.
• do your work responsibilities in a different order than you usually do.
• take a different route to work or school.
• read something you don’t usually read.
• go to a restaurant you have never tried.  Order something you never ordered.

What are some of your most fun and spontaneous things you have done to change-up your day?

In the ideal world I described above, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny romp freely with unicorns and butterflies on a chocolate mountain.  The hard truth is, many of us did not get all of this, if any of it, from our parents.  Some of us were born into homes we weren’t wanted in.  Others found that their parents did not stick around long enough to get to know us, let alone make us feel safe or loved.  Other parents may have been physically there, but emotionally totally absent, or perhaps demanded adult things from their children.  As we grew, many of us had to figure things out on our own, without anyone to bounce our ideas off, or to test the limits in a safe environment.  As a result, our emotional growth is stunted.  We then have adult bodies and do adult things like become a mama, but in fact are emotionally a baby.  Our mama’s and dada’s many times are babies themselves, which is why we end up in the predicaments we do.

So what do we do when the baby is the mama?  And what happens when we are the baby who is the mama?

Unfortunately, unless you are building a time machine, there is nothing you can do to change who your parents are.  They are a result of their parents and their own choices, two things you have nothing to do with.  And your time machine would have to go back to Adam and Eve, because dysfunction began in Eden.  So you’d have a lot of work to do!

What you can do is raise your “baby” the right way.  The baby who is in your adult body.  The baby that yearns for things not given, and moments not found.  This is not an easy thing to do, and it is arguably a lifelong process.  It takes an inner strength to look at the baby inside, see it crying out for things like love, acceptance, belonging, safety, happiness, closeness, and look for ways to give these to yourself.

I am, of course, oversimplifying things.  The damage caused by abuse, neglect, and harm towards infants and children can destroy lives and cause unimaginable pain.  But if for just a moment, we could look inside ourselves and see that baby, and give it compassion, give it something we were not given, or even just imagine how it might feel to be able to give that to ourselves, we are taking a step in the right direction.  When we learn how to nurture ourselves, we will be on the path to becoming the best parents we can be.  If we grow up, our kids will be raised by the “adult us”, and they can more freely move into adulthood physically and emotionally.

Where does our work begin with the emotional baby?  Each person’s journey is different.  Perhaps you may start by having an imaginary conversation with this baby inside of you.  Can you envision yourself as a baby, a toddler, a child?  Can you imagine yourself asking the child what he or she needs?  What did they not get?  Can you think of ways to provide these things for yourself now?  If you were never told you were loved, can you begin to say “I am loveable” to yourself?

If you feel like there is too much to do, you are right.  No one can satisfy all their needs at once.  But you can do it in many ways.  You can look to God to give you those things no one can fill in your spirit.  You can look to family and friends to give support and love at times.  You can do enjoyable things and give yourself permission to do them.

If this has stirred up some emotions in you, you may want to consider consulting with a professional who can help you walk slowly through your past, and help you improve your present.  A therapist can give you a safe space to explore and share the feelings that “baby” has, and help you reach your emotional adulthood.  Counseling benefits you, as well as your family.  If you grow, you can help your own family to grow.

Therapy will at least give you something to do until you finish building that time machine.

If you look around a home where young children live, you will more than likely find a television, possibly DVD’s or DVR recorded cartoons or children’s shows, plenty of toys and clothing, or your kids various uniforms (dance, karate, etc.).  You may find a mama or dada who is working on their schedule to figure out how to fit their own life activities with the mama or dada and baby musical genius class, or when they can sit in front of the “hurry up kid and read already” DVD to prep their 18 month old for college.

There is nothing wrong with stimulation of this type.  Studies have shown that some children whose parents involve them in activities do excel in other areas of life.  The harm lies when taking our children to do these things or when sitting with our kids in front of the television becomes a substitute for love and attention.  I believe these studies are actually showing the result of parents spending the time with their kids, regardless of the activity.

Have you played with your child today?  I don’t mean did you bring out a toy and place it in front of your kid.  I’m not being judgmental, trust me, I am a mother of 2 small children, and have done all of this too many times to count! I’m asking you to take at least 30 seconds and shake free your adult skin and lay down on the floor and join their game.  Follow your child’s lead, and enjoy.  Toy companies want you to believe your child will need nothing but their toy to be stimulated and happy.  This is an injustice to your child, who learns so very much through play.

When was the last time you grabbed your child in your arms, looked them in the eyes and said something like “I love you” or “you are wonderful” or “I would love a kiss” or even shared a tickle or two?  These 30 second moments provide your child physical touch from you, attention, builds self-esteem and reinforces your love.  I find doing this helpful after we have had a meltdown.  Once they have calmed down, I take at least 30 seconds to just let them know that I love them, that things haven’t changed between us (even though secretly I may have wanted to bring them back to the stork after the tantrum they threw).

How about having a conversation with your toddler?  Ask them about their day.  They may not be able to tell you what they did, but they will respond to your interaction with them.  When your child looks in your eyes and sees interest on your face it shows them love.

Laugh with them.  Make eye contact with them when they are telling you something silly, or when they ask you the same question for the millionth time.  Hug them.

You don’t have to spend hundreds of dollars on “make your dumb kid smart” products to show that you love your child.  They make their money of our parental guilt.  I promise you, they won’t look back when they are grown and say “I will never forget those Genius Baby musical instrument cognitive exercises mama and dada did with us.  Good times…”  They will say “There was something so comforting about the way dada would take us on his lap, and look in our eyes, rub our back and say ‘I love you, baby girl”, or “When mama used to come in the room and start roaring like a dinosaur when she saw me playing with the toy dinosaurs I had, I would laugh so hard.  I felt loved”.

You don’t have to block out 3 hours to show your child you love them.  Try doing it 30 seconds at a time.  You will be surprised how many 30 second slots you can find throughout the day or during the time you spend with your child.  Here are a few open time slots just to give you some ideas:

• When you strap in or remove your child into their car seat
• When they are sitting motionless in front of the TV watching Spongebob
• When they are in their room playing
• Before you serve dinner
• When you walk in the door from work
• When you put them to bed
• When they ask you for a snack or drink
• After a tantrum
• While they are doing their homework
• When they are coloring
• When you catch them jumping on your bed
• When you are sitting on the couch with them
• During the break at the Super baby genius convention

Please make your own.  There are so many more!  If you feel that something is keeping you from doing this with your children, your own feelings, problems, or anything else that keeps you from showing your child love and affection, you may benefit from therapy to help you work through these issues, and make your experience as a parent more fruitful for you and your children.

We aren’t perfect.  We have limited time.  We work.  We have bills.  We are stressed.  This does not have to be the last word on the matter.

We are parents, we can love, we can do it in a short time, we can do it throughout the day 30 seconds at a time.

We have learned from the generations past to say things like “This year will be different!”, “This year I am going to have the body I have always dreamed of!”, “This year I am going to save a million dollars!”, “This year I am going to quit x, y and z and be more healthy!”.  And each year, those of us who make it into the second week of the year with our resolutions are looked upon as men and women of renown, because most of us don’t make it past week 1.

What follows is usually a lot of self-pity, denial, excuses, low self-esteem or other feelings that serve our dysfunction.  We set ourselves up for failure, and then wallow in the failure, making it all the more difficult to  ever get back to what we initiated in the first place.

So what do I recommend to you?  That you say “screw it” to the proverbial “New Year’s Resolution”?  Yes and no.

I want you to forget that whatever you intend on doing is going to be done for an entire year.  Years go by one day at a time.  Let’s break up our goals in the same way, day by day.  And instead of looking at 12:00 midnight December 31 as the only moment for a fresh start, let’s make 12 midnight on every night our time for rebirth.  Or if you prefer, use sunrise and sunset; however you mark the start of a new day.

Now look at your goals.  Which is most pressing?  Which is something you can move on, even if it is a small step?  For example, I need to lose at least 60 pounds to get to a healthy weight.  60 pounds is huge!  But what does it take to lose 1/2 a pound?  Eat a little less, eat the right food for you, get in a half hour of exercise today.  Just for today.  Maybe I have to do it again 2 or 3 days before I see that 1/2 a pound go.  But once I do it, I feel great because I achieved my small goal.  Next I say, now I need 1/2 a pound more.  Each day I do just what I need to do for that 1/2 a pound.  Not for the 60 pounds.  And if one day I eat what I shouldn’t, I need to give myself the OK that it happened, and I can have my “New Day’s Resolution” be to get back on track tomorrow.

If I need to get a handle on my finances, the worst thing I can do is pull out the mountain of bills and start concocting a budget where I end up having $3.00 to eat out for the month.  You will not stick to it (trust me, this mama has her share of financial woes!)  What can work is each day looking at one bill and trying to figure out when it needs to be paid and perhaps putting it into your planner or calendar.  Eventually you will have it mapped out.  Not all by January first, and that is quite alright.  It took us a lot of time and energy and spending to get here; your financial problems won’t be undone in a day.

What about those habits that are harder; on a deeper level?  How many times have you said “I will not touch a drink after January 1″  or  “This is the last pack of cigarettes I will ever smoke” ?, only to find yourself binging after a week of self-denial?  These fall into the realm of addiction, and are harder to break because many times there is a physical component to addiction.  We hear stories of people breaking very nasty addictions with willpower alone, but I believe these stories are the exception, not the rule.    There is no shame in seeking out help to get to your goals.  You are actually taking a huge step looking for professional help; just this is your step for the day.

Some people benefit from life coaching, when trying to reach their goals.  Having support is another aspect to reaching your daily goals.  Life coaching is not as intensive as therapy, however it provides a professional’s support and guidance, and helps you off the ledge when that $600.00 purse or television is calling your name and you are behind 2 months on the rent.

When we look back at 2010, we may still have financial problems, we may still have extra pounds to lose, but we can change our view about our situation.  We can opt to say, “Here comes another year and a list of resolutions, lets see if I can do it this year”, or we can say “Here comes the next day, where I will take one step closer to my goals that I have been slowly achieving throughout the past  year”.

Happy New Day!

What happens though, when the overindulgence ends in a less appealing way?  When you spend your entire check on gifts, but you don’t leave enough money to pay the rent or electric bills?  What if you have been working on keeping your weight in check and then gain 20 extra pounds in a one month period?  Or if you drink to the point where you lose control?

When this happens, feelings will be stirred up in you and in the people around you.  Our choices and behaviors affect those around us.  Our children look to us as examples of what they need to do or how they need to be.  You may have angry family or friends, and you may be angry with yourself.  Your children may have witnessed behavior that you do not want them to repeat.

Its easy to get into a “pity party” (“Woe is me!  I’m a horrible person!  Look what I’ve done!”) or worse yet, get into a blame game (“If so-and-so didn’t bring the beers, I wouldn’t have gotten so drunk and removed my pants at the Christmas party!”).  You can also have some self defeating thoughts, like “Well I already gained back most off the weight I lost, so forget it, I’ll just keep eating and toss the diet”.

What’s not easy is looking inside and taking ownership for our behaviors, and trying to make amends for what we have done.  It often takes a level of insight not taught by our families of origin.  But this is not an impossible thing.

Step 1:  Review your actions and ask yourself some questions, like did I accomplish what I thought I would?  Are there any results I did not expect?  Does someone have any feelings about what I have done (angry, upset, annoyed, hurt, etc.)?  Is this something that I do often?  What do I feel before and after this action?

Step 2.  Acknowledge the actions that are yours.  Remember, no one can put a beer in your hands and force you to drink it, and then repeat this action until you have had 7 or 8 beers.  No one can use your credit card and max it out except you (and perhaps identity thieves, but you catch my drift!)  No one can make you eat half of that holiday cake.  These are things you do, regardless of who is there.

Step 3:  Evaluate what can be repaired by an apology.  Apologies are very powerful, especially when they are coming from a place of sincerity in your heart.  If you value friendships and family, be ready to admit it.  And stay away from using the word “BUT” in the apology.  “I called you a bitch BUT you really pissed me off and I was drunk” is not an apology.  Its an accusation.  Instead, try “I said some very hurtful things to you.  I drank too much and lost control.  This was my fault.  I am sorry.”  Also, don’t expect the person to be completely satisfied with just an apology.  They are entitled to feel upset or angry if they so chose.  We can control our feelings and actions, but not the feelings and actions of others.

Step 4:  Look for ways to make amends.  Can you return some of those gifts you bought yourself?  Can you go back to the eating lifestyle  that was getting you to your weight-loss goals?  Can you evaluate if your drinking has been getting you into trouble lately, and you may need to look for help?  Is there something emotional going on that you are masking with the overindulgence?  Do you need someone that can help you look at this objectively, such as a therapist?

Special step if a child witnessed this behavior:  If you have a child and they witnessed this behavior, it is important to speak to the children in the same way listed above, but with special emphasis that this is not behavior that is good, and that we adults do make mistakes as well.  We should let them know that the behavior is not their fault, and that we are going to do our best to make amends where possible.  We should let them know its OK if they are angry with us, and encourage them to share their feelings.  If the action goes above and beyond just overindulgence (an act of violence witnessed or done to a child) you must report this to the police, hospital or a therapist who can help make the appropriate referrals.  Never ask a child to keep your behaviors a secret.  It is a burden they don’t need or deserve.

These are tough questions and steps that may help you get to a better place in light of your overindulgence.

Let me know what you think, and if you have ever experienced this, or if you tried these steps, what resulted.